Afflicted Pains.

What afflicts you?
     Do you not believe that you are afflicted with something? Has there been a moment in your life in which through the tribulations of the day you called upon your god or meditation technique in order to get through what was happening? You don't have to be going through cluster migraines, back pain, multiple sclerosis, or chronic pancreatitis in order to understand what afflicts you. Have a bad day at work on a routine basis? Prone to twisting your ankles or having a dislocated shoulder? What is it? What puts you in the same community as possibly millions of others before you have been?

How do you cope?
     Coping mechanisms are sometimes ways in which we allow ourselves to continue to live through the pain. Other times means by which to get on to the next attack or chronic pain. Sometimes though it is just something we tell ourselves in order to mitigate the feelings that overwhelm us. But, what is your technique? Have you shared it with others that may be in your community? You don't think you have a community? In years past when you had to go to the physician to be told of something going around, or to discover that your sickness is not unique we also suffered in silence; more so than we do now. The commonality is to discover about your ailments through dozens of links that connect you to a website filled in by who knows, and quite possibly never really reviewed or gone over.

Why do you believe you go through that?
     We are indeed special. Among the billions of people on the planet, of those hundreds of millions with absolutely no issue whatsoever we stand out as being the few. We a niche of sorts. But, the question remains: why? Are we truly a result of the coupling of chromosomes, or more than that, the biology that has brought us to this day and age? Are we nothing more than the byproduct of our environment in us producing an enigma from which the norm can be validated? Am I special? Are we the reason for the imperfection of humanity? Is it that good has forsaken us and evil has taken to our frailties and abused them to the point where we are today the ailments that make us who we are?

Is this the end for all?
     There are multiple examples of people whom through their sickness have gone one final mile to become the inspiration to many in their troubles. Do we all possess the mental fortitude and physical stamina after all we have been through to take just one more step?

What do you think helps you get through?
     Are you prone to stay away from liquor, cigarettes, or other vices which have aided you in feeling less like yourself, or a bit more at ease with your situation, or more importantly in less pain? What is it that numbs things for you? Do you fight and argue in order to feel something, or are you more likely to stay away from it all in order to suppress the inner monster that festers inside with every growing pain?

     I don't know. I know I ache. I know I am in pain. I know others can't see it. I know others wish to understand for seconds at a time but... how can they? I know you know... but do we? Has our inability to process data the same way the healthy can enveloped us in a cocoon that merely reflects from its shell the world around it but inside carries the real truth to all things? What is that truth to you? Why do we hide it? Why do we share it? Is hiding it helping us anymore than sharing it? The lamentation brought about by pity is one of the deterrents which others bring upon the fold -never warranted- and quite so limits their ability to truly be who they are and in their own way help. The revolving door on this issue is one easily approached in conversation and with strangers, but not with family or loved ones.

     We are plagued by thoughts like:
I wonder what they are thinking of me?
How do they feel about the situation?
Where would they be if they didn't have to be here with me?
Are they okay?
How do I look through their eyes?
Is this it, is this what the rest of our lives is going to look like around them?
What is this pity party their throwing instead of being out celebrating their healthy lives?
Why are they here?
Leave me alone to sulk in the reality that is my life.
Don't even try to say something like: "I empathize!"
When will this finally be over?
I want to die....

     And there it is. The ultimate betrayal. How could I wish to die with such a beautiful family? How dare I think suicide when everyone loves me so much? What is wrong with me thinking this way with so many things to accomplish in life? Truth is... I am not fighting with this feeling of death. In that we all must die there is no questions, it is only when that finality is brought up mostly by people whom are afflicted with something that others react so impacted by the lies that we are spewing somehow! As if, we enjoy first the feeling of pain, hopelessness, and abandon, and second the condescending review to them all from everyone else; yeah, that surely helps tons.

     Who helps? Usually is people in the same boat, those who really understand. Then there are the afflicted, and not with an affliction of their own, but by the solitude the death of a loved one to an affliction has brought upon them. Their happy little lives never once touched by life in any meaningful way, but the thought that someone did hurt themselves, or wants to is such an abatement of all life is. Their sorrow is a window into other's pain, their judgment of lack thereof is a pill they take on a daily basis, and my favorite, the guilt they carry is the whiskey, or adrenaline that courses through their veins. But it is all a ruse. The first thing they do is look for others for comfort, look for others whom in their own -as they see it- really messed up situation, they too have lost the pillar in their lives. They are trying to help each other, not me. They are all about the stories after the fact too, so what case really impacted you today? "Oh, man. There was this guy..." go the stories behind our backs.

     It is fun to meet the people whom have been through something similar to us though. We can truly empathize with the pain, the feeling of detachments, the ire that is living like this without hope, and the real atonement that comes from speaking our minds among peers. The problem is that there are those who really can't talk. Others cannot listen. Some are so troubled, so tired, and so humiliated that it is all surreal.

     We must live, I think. We must live in order to understand, and then we should die. It is in no small terms a reality that sucks to no avail. The sentiment of anger we carry on our backs through our afflictions are terminal. It's not about being understood, or carried, or even loved. It is about being treated like a human being, always and without regard for why the treatment is being given. To do something we wish is to perform it with compassion. To do something with compassion is lying to yourself first, the person after, and lastly getting no absolution for what brought it all to the surface to begin with. The contemplation of life from any standpoint is harsh and painful. There are too many things in life we do without wishing to. Whether it is going to school, a job brought upon us by the caste system, a marriage to a total stranger due to custom, or any other thing we do not wish for all end up with lifelong consequences. There is no triviality to the afflictions we suffer, the feelings that are brought about by it, the means we use to cope and deal with it all, the lies we must contend with in order to allow other's happiness, or the amount of hatred we carry for being dead weight in other's lives.

     I am afflicted with pain. I cannot cope. I really do not know why I must suffer so. I believe my end was long ago when my affliction begun. There is little to nothing I can do to ease any of the afflicted pains.