Dear Christ

 I’m not religious anymore.

But I am here now, open the door.

I know that You’re not real, I don’t care.

This pain I drag I cannot bear.

Sure, You’re not there, You don’t exist; 

a figment of my broken heart on my bloody wrist,

a friend where there’s no one, hoped for;

the bearer of my pain and sorrow in life’s war.

In this dark hour please hear my plea,

here so alone, wouldn’t You agree?

In physical and mental pain,

turn off all the thoughts here in my brain.

There is a rock weighing down my chest,

can hardly breathe, I’m trying my best,

but this veil of sorrow against me pressed

drags me about, my conviction it test

and I fail every time; this I detest,

for in this state I dare not jest.

Of my life and well-being I my own pest, 

failing miserably at my own behest.

The worse of it I have suppressed, 

yet alone once more I am depressed.

Desire there is plenty, to overcome!

Yet, here we sit, always the outcome.

To see it all happen again, 

to count the numbers one through ten…

No amount of dedication can overwhelm,

the shadow of doubt under this elm,

its leaves hiding my body on the floor

where it has fallen so many times before.

No gardener to come and blow away these leaves

as I, over myself, seeing how he bereaves

a testament of half truths and lies

under subtle, yet screaming cries.

Hold me now, as my life I pry,

take me please as You pass by,

help me finally say goodbye,

transition to the endless sky.

Take me now, the moment nigh

just this once, be my ally

I just need to leave; elsewhere cry,

if You exist, just help me die.

My heavy heart cannot condone

that I have reaped what I have sown.

Though fair it may be, who cares now

this last wish You must allow.

Come now Almighty, or are You shy?

Don’t You dare just stand by,

as I plea with tooth and nail,

and in this final moment You I hail.

How awful to yet again to call on You,

after all that we’ve been through…

You abandoned me, You wretched vile

even here on my last trial.

At least hold me close, just once appear

before the lights are no longer clear.

Though I tried not to, I hurt my dear,

and thus, human at last I am here.

In the decadent solace of this year

as I fail once more to persevere,

in a life where everything was so severe,

the moment’s close now, the next I peer…

How easy must it be to use others,

scapegoats all the same, even mothers.

To say You died for the sins of all,

taking no responsibility after all. 

Just portend, say others were to blame,

to You is probably all the same, 

which explains why I am here alone,

at death’s door chilled to the bone.

The pain slowly receding, finally almost there!

No longer, for me, have others care;

I this weight of problems and ails,

finally leaving on death’s sails.

Dry now my weary throat,

no more crying as I float, 

to some afterlife on a dreary boat

to life’s poison, no antidote.

Just one final destination to note,

with nothing left, no pant, no coat,

never again to be a scapegoat,

of life, this final moment, my footnote.

Yet, in this solace where are You?

Omniscient after all, You probably knew,

This outcome would always be,

and you let it happen; disagree?

Have one last philosophical quandary with me!

Where is your shadow if you’re a tree,

the shade to protect from life’s travail,

even in the end, trying to no avail.

Are you not there, yet again?

The quiet is hoarse even when,

the life you gave me, here I heist

your sacrifice, now mine, dear Christ.